America, the Beautiful

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-fiction piece, so not really a 'story.' This is also SATIRE, which means that the views expressed below are kind of the opposite of what I believe (and if you think they're really my opinions, then we clearly don't know each other). There is one exception though - the part where I talk about nachos. That's legit.

Imagine asking an astronaut what the best view from space is. They might mutter something about the billions of stars composing distant galaxies or maybe something about the vastness of space all around them. Those answers really don’t matter because in the end, they’ll always end on the same response. What’s the best view from space? The United States of America.

Undoubtedly America is the most admired and respected country in the world. While other countries may try to emulate us, they will ultimately fail. We have perfected and mastered democracy, diplomacy, arts, culture, humanitarianism, justice, peace, equality, etc. It should come as no surprise then, that when people around the world realize how their own countries have let them down, they want to immigrate to America. Except when they come, they want to bring their own culture, customs and traditions with them and they shouldn’t. Since Americans have already created a perfect dynamic, there is no room left in our society for their foreign customs and alien traditions.

Luckily, there is a solution. America has numerous traditions, holidays and customs to replace anything that anybody might have to leave behind. Enjoy a hotdog or pie eating contest – where else in the world is there an event to celebrate eating food?! Admire the Miss America pageant where beautiful, flawless, young women from across the country gather together to show off their talents and passion for America. Experience frenetic Black Friday shopping and observe capitalism in action. Watch one of the only two sports that matter and scream at the television during the Superbowl or the World Series while eating an entire bowl of nachos by yourself. All of these traditions and holidays such as Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July will more than supplement the traditions left behind by anyone who moves here.

Language is one barrier immigrants must overcome. All other languages of the world have become obsolete. What value is there in speaking Spanish, French, Russian, Farsi or even Chinese when everyone can already speak English? And if they can’t, then they should. We, as Americans, have already learned the importance of English and have become determined to NOT learn another language as is our right! All immigrants should not only speak English as every other American does, but also form a flawless accent as we reserve the right to not understand you until it is perfect.

One topic that must be addressed is wardrobe. Americans have developed fashion worldwide and trends are followed because of us. Immigrants need to assimilate to not only fit in, but also to be accepted as an American. Lose the saris, kimonos, sarongs, barong tagalogs, hijabs, togas, kilts, lederhosen, topi, thobe, conical hats, etc. and embrace Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, Victoria Secret, Old Navy, Express and Banana Republic. With the right outfit bought at one of these fine retailers, immigrants will finally start to look the part.

All immigrants will also enjoy the satisfaction of American life. Instant gratification is the norm with things like Netflix, Walmart and the internet. If we want it, we can get it in a matter of seconds. We can throw away any leftovers because there will always be more food on the table the next day. And if we don’t want to put food on the table, there are fast-food restaurants covering every street so that we might never have to enter our kitchens again (finally!).

By  following these simple guidelines, all immigrants moving to the United States will quickly find themselves among friends. We might even consider you family. After all, we are an accepting and understanding country.

Photo Credit: Unsplash, Anthony Delanoix